Foxxy's Xanga

Friday, June 26, 2009

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 01:01:11 GMT

I miss having a blog or a diary or any kind of y'know, written outlet.

I miss having a place to bitch about passive aggressive people who write letters to the Entire book club speaking about their specific (and mostly projected) problems with you as though everyone has been doing these things which are obviously capital offenses.

Oh Noes! You cannot make book club on the date which we previously agreed to as flexible and only told us 10 days in advance!
Oh Noes! Last month there was a work party and because the economy is in the tank and you were going to catch shit for not going you sent an email that said 'there is a work party and I will catch shit for not going but I know this is last minute and we probably can't change the time but I must ask anyway! It is fine and I will ditch the work party if we can't reschedule' AND THEN! I did ditch the work party! And nothing book club was effected!
Oh Noes!

And the new system at work where in 9 hours, I managed to get 34 invoices entered! I shit you not! But it will be faster! Yeahhh-huh And everyone will do the things they are supposed to (Should I be approving time sheets for people whom I have never met? Nevermind complete unawareness of when they work or what they do! Apparently, YES!).

And my brother who in three months of rent payments, has been late . . 3 times! Four times if you consider the time he was late, and then needed to borrow back rent money and repay it AGAIN.

Or the fact that I have been staying at my boyfriends place for three and a half months come wednesday nxt week, despite paying $800 o the house. Which, I like living with my boyfriend, but I am livng out of one laundry basket and a knapsack and I am starting to lose my mind and my wardrobe is now out of clothes I hav eno worn repetitiously so much that I really really hate them.

And this is so fucking whiny.

And I haven't had a week off since last february!!!

And I am tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. Crap

/rant

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:36:57 GMT

I'm still freaking out, and it's still exhausting.

I've thought about addressing it, but honestly I'm more afraid of addressing it and there turning out to be a problem than I am tired of freaking out so . . I'm letting it ride kinda sorta.

I'm trying to get more exercise everyday, because I've suddenly realised how pathetic a shape I am in, and hopefully one will help with the other.

I'm also kinda sorta thinking about going to school for photography but that just triggers all my self worth crap, and commitmentphobia. Which all sounds like an excuse to me now because like the work paranoia, not really addressing it.

Its becoming more and more apparent to me how littl eI do with my life and it kinda grosses me out.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 02:07:59 GMT

I am in serious panic about my job.

I don't really have a reason for it.

Its draining. Hugely draining.

And, then, as always, there's personal crap.

My back is so tense hunched is starting to be my natural posture.

And no air conditioning in hot weather, and hydro bills where the delivery charge is ten bucks more than the usage, not to mention water heater bills wher emy usage charge is suddenly unmetered, and the incredible cost to fight off a huge house fly infestation{okay,two weeks about 200 flies so maybe not huge, but kinda huge} (3 cans of Black Flag, plus packing tape to seal all the gaps in the kitchen window and window frame, plus bleachx2 to scrub the entire place down (four times), plus two weeks of not eating at home, plus a home that now smells permenantly of Black Flag with undertones of bleach plus whatever running my fan full time for two weeks is going to cost)

And underlying fear and paranoia.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 01:51:40 GMT

Well, so, I wanted to comment on Emma's live journal but couldn't while feeling I hadn't made at least the most basic attempt explain myself and chronic recent absenses (which for those who like the blindingly obvious stated have been sourced in massive -you wont believe this buy I have omega and whispin taped to my bathroom mirror and my hallway mirror- writers block)

So.

Sexual harassment. S'funny thing. Not in ahaha. kinda way.

The real problem is when you start to try and figure out how much of that is your fault. Sure you've been really careful the last year to make sure that no shirt shows your boobs or your ass in a way that is insufficiently dowdy (which means you kind of hate your work wardrobe). But, you also are kinda a slut outside of work. Yeah. Stop arguing. I am. I know it. Working on it. But also? when 95% or greater of the world kinda thinks it you must lend some credence.

So, when the head of sales who is probably bringing in half of the 10 million your company expects to do this year kisses you at the work party and you don't want to leave you job (OH GOD I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE) how much of that is my fault? and what is the best way to handle it? Is "Ahahahah You're Fucking married with a kid thanks!" sufficient after his tongue has been in your mouth (unreciproated thanks)? and did he get the message because sometimes he seems to have gotten it and sometimes he still rubs your back?

Because, lets be real okay? You are the motherfucking receptionist. You know? Porn Archetype what?

Even if all your skirts go to the knee or lower and cleavage is soemthing which may or may not be happening somewhere under your shirt (I LOVE MY BOOBS Okay? I LOVE THEM and want to share them with the world). Aw, look at me trivialise the serious issue because I am incapable of dealing with it like an adult who might (sensibly) go get another job.

Grandmother? two big scares this year and counting. Cancer? Tuberculosis? Next?

No holidays til September thanks. Then. Four Days. For a transatlantic flight with ever increasing prices taxes and surcharges. We're going to pretend my mind doesn't add 'if she lasts til them' because wow! Depressing!

Speaking of Depression. Feeling of everything being overwhelming? pointlessness? general inability/desire to ever get out of bed? Check.

We won't add the dishes. Because I managed to do the dishes! Three weeks worth of clothes in that chair in the corner? Uh.

If you iron clothes in the morning when you're already fifteen minutes late for work because you can't get out of bed they're kinda like freshly washed. Right? Nevermind.

Inability to finish any book we haven't already read because of feelings of doom around every single protaganist? uh, yeah.

Ditching all fun at the last minute because just_can't_do_it ?

Being ditched by Damien, who, okay, its probably the fact his life here was totally dysfunctional, and his life there is you know, fun and coke fueled, but still? I don't take well to being dumped because I can't be 'happy' for someone where this inability to be happy for said person centers on the fact I had ONE outburst. I don't mind going down for shit I did/do, because I do stuff all the time for which I deserve to go down. But. Down for shit that I didn't do, going down for reasons NO ONE CAN EXPLAIN that bugs me. I am tarred and feathered as a bad person here, not just by Damien but by all the people who knew he was in town and knew they shouldn't tell me because Damien would be upset because of the horrid things I had done to him and no one NO ONE can tell me a single thing about what it is exactly I did. That irks me mildly. To understate.

And it combines and curdles with the deeper insecurites about my character raised by Florina earlier this year, and somewhat agitated by being sexually harassed because even when I am fully dressed it is apparent I am a slut.

Never mind I am 27 years old and 'careers' and 'relationships' are things other people seem able to do.

I'm going to what for the rest of my life? Mcdonalds?

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 01:14:29 GMT

so, there's a lot going on,

and

blargh.

I feel like I'm whining or perpetuating if I write about it here. Hyperfocusing maybe?

I want to suck it up and be an adult and focus on the positive because really? Everyone's lives suck, and I don't deserve any more pity than anyone else. If I've more drama and more problems I kinda think its because I bring them on. And I don't want to bring on mo' drama mo' problems so trying to pare it down.

Mostly I'm paranoid about work, worried about my money and my health, and unable to stay on top of basic household chores.

And I'm reading Portrait of a Lady and scared by how much personality I have in common with Isabel Archer because from what I can recall she meets a bad end (doesn't she? No details and uh, no confirmation if she does okay?)

I'm lonely and commitmentphobic and really? find only the crap guys not-scary.

I've lost fourteen pounds for sure since november and I'm pretty sure most of it was since feb/march.

I'm broke.

I'm whining which ^ don't want to do.

And yeah. Oy.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 12:39:58 GMT

BLARGH.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Wed, 07 May 2008 02:11:19 GMT

So, last weekend (ok, the weekend before last weekend) was the ttc strike, and my first day off since january. I use the term 'day' as in singular because sunday, during the ongoing strike, loblaws paid for my cab so I could go to work. And I'm still about $1000 short on tax and not yet thinking about the hydro bill except when I want to feel dizzy and light headed because $300 for a deposit? Really? My bill for two months was $45 dollars. And of course the only times you can argue with them about your deposit, are the work times! And since realising there is nowhere at work where you can talk on the phone without being overheard, nevermind have a scale arguement about a hydro deposit that is over ten times your monthly usage in the friggin winter . . .

The day off was nice.

Aside from persistent writers block, feeling like I've been beat up by tiny angry mobsters (seriously its like four year olds have been punching my arms and legs), and head/sinusaches because I really need to wash my pillows (which, I was living with smokers!!! Smokers!!!! And No head/sinusaches!!!) because now if I don't wash them every other week I start to get all funny in the head (in a physical, as well as mental sense) {I was going to put things are nice here, and I'm going to get to that}

Also, my constant 'I'm going to get fired' paranoia is running rampant, partially because Joe was just let go with no reasoning/clue's for the contenders. Which is probably why my body feels so bruised. That and the way that since I have lost weight constantly since March I am now wearing tall shoes every day because my pants sit about an inch lower on what was formerly my waist and is now my hips/ass. Which means my left knee hurts everyday. But my ass looks great. But because I am now in that physical state I identify as 'gross'/'it'd be lovely to have some breasts' and intending therefore to put most of the weight back on (all of it in fact if it isn't too ambitious) I really don't want to buy new pants. Also, I can't afford them when I have perfectly good damn pants. And if we have another warm day the fact that I am still wearing winter clothes is going to be even more friggin' obvious, so despite the stabbing panic pain in my chest whenever I enter a retail haven ('oh god oh god I need stuff I need stuff! Fuck me!') I shall be going clothes shopping shortly so that I can have some shirts that are not, well, sweaters.

The phone at work never fully recovered. The buttons did, but the screen is half dead. I am learning to drink with my left hand. heh. No. Really. Because my glass in front of the phone now makes me a little crazy.

And this is all a glowing testament about anxiety problems isn't it? which I like to believe I don't have.

But. Things are good. Three weeks ago I got locked out of my apartment and stayed with the ex roomates for the night because you can't ask you landlord to let you in at 4am (heh) which was nice because I got to see geoff again, and being locked out of my apartment I was forced to do something other than hole up on my couch and revel in the homeness of being home (which, with a cost of free has become a very popular activity even with no tv whatsoever) led to a haircut which turned out astonishingly well (mostly because it is a cheap haircut and the woman listened to nothing I said and cut it shorter than I wanted), and a couple hours with my friend (who was trapped with me). And then the next weekend I had a day off wherin I had enough time to spend two hours eating waffles and not losing my mind. And then this weekend Sarah came over and was hardly at all annoying, and I made blueberry pancakes (mixed in a saucepan because I don't have a mixing bowl hahahhahaha)

Even though Mothers Day swiftly approaches (which usually depresses me) I've barely noticed because of all the work/avoidance of any shopping, which is awesome, especially because I walked into carleton cards like yesterday and the first thing I saw was this awesome mothers day pillow which said basically (if more poetically) 'The daughter I am today , is the result of the mother you are/were' Which I just stood in front of while having Amelie-esque visions of wrapping and mailing to my mother (who hates me and thinks I am a terrible person) because Oh My God how much more darkly funny can you get? Just pop a picture of myself grinning away in there and sign it 'Ha!Ha!Ha!' Taylor said I should absolutly do it, and if the pillow wasn't twenty dollars plus mailing? Well I still couldn't hurt my mom that way but its a warm and cozy always brings a smile to my face kind of thought.

Also I need to stop falling asleep as soon as I get home from work/on public transit.

Thats most of the update, excluding the gobs of Irish history I've been reading (I'm reading two dry-ish over views of ireland 1600-1970ish, one from a decidedly english perspective and another from not, which became stunningly apparent when we hit the IRB/IRA/Eamon DeValera/Michael Collins period) and the thinking of my aunt that I've been doing (but not following up on because she always reads into things and I don't know if I've secondary motives or not and I'm too damn tired to think about it, I just want to call her okay? Even if it has been a while yeesh) and oh! Last Weekend 7 guys!! 7!!!!! hit on me/asked me out. 3 called, and I met/got the numbers of/gave my number to four more. Which is oddly high. I pretty reliably meet one or two, but 7 in one day? Odd. Oh!!! And!!! I bought four Sandman Graphic novels for $1 each!!!! So, while I whine above, and mean it all and am exhausted and beat up feeling, things ARE good.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 16:15:46 GMT

Oh FUck Oh Fuck OFuck!! I Just spilled water all over the phone and now numbers 1,4,7, and lines 3 and 4 and hte screen aren't working. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 13:20:26 GMT

3/2 ain't bad . . unless its the number of times you've locked yourself out over months in your new place.

hehehehhehehehhe.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 01:31:25 GMT

I forgot my keys last night, which hahahahhahahhaha meant I was locked out.

This would have been a problem except the ttc went on strike so even if I could have gotten to my uniform I still couldn't have gone to work today. I'm not going tomorrow either.

Its my first day off in a month and a half, possibly more, and my first weekend off since I think christmas. It makes me feel oddly light headed.

Oooooh Free Time1!!!!!!!!! I can I can . . NAP! and then after, I can Nap AGAIN!!!!!!!

My landlord wasn't able to let me in until 3pm so I spent most of the day wandering around in dollar store flipflops, last nights scandalously short skirt, and Geoff's (my ex roomate) Tazmanian devil shirt that he lent me to sleep in. It seemed marginally better than my pink corset. You know, for day wear. I also got my hair cut and later bought a blue tank top which looked a lot better than the taz shirt.

They cut my hair shorter than I told them too, much shorter, so much so I would have flipped out except I was hung over and tired heh, but now that I have napped I like it because it is as short as I was thinking of intending to cut it but not brave enough to attempt to tell them because they have a horrible horrible tendancy to cut it shorter than I say. As evidenced by teh fact I asked for a trim, and got a full out cut.

FREE TIME! YES